Grabbing the Knife by the Blade
Part Three of The Last Knot in a Series of Knots
Then I took a second long sip, nearly finishing the beer, and feelings of transgression left me. There was no more awareness of possibly doing myself harm, whether I found it thrilling or not. You see, that Tennessee Williams click arrived almost immediately. The click that says: Everything is going to be alright. I guess it's a lie, but it's a very believable lie.
~Jonathan Ames
Those who succeed at suicide
know that death is not at all a madness or fever
but is more like the smooth clarity found in a novel turn of phrase
a slip of the lip or half completed gesture
the impeccable timing of a punch line
at which only a fool would laugh
I thought of her as I had not in a long time
not since my father left
when I first saw her in beneath my skin
burning there, amounts the train yard of bones and sinew
I thought of her as a collective of decisions
a hub of intentions and happenstance
a montage of portraits
in this scene, I place my body
in this, I am a guilty witness, refusing to intervene
in this, I hear the prayers for forgiveness
But I remembered you
before I could be swept up in events
before I fell into the plot
I remembered
you might have a child one day McKenzie
and would need someone to pass out cigars
and Erik, you might someday still have need of an older brother
and Boomer, I don’t know if you will need me but can’t take the risk of being absent
and I remembered you, Andy
how when were kids we would skip school
and how when were older we would smoke and drink beer together
and how one day
you will die too
and I will want to be by your side
I will want to hold you in my eyes
as you die
and I can not
do this
if I
myself
am
dead
